Buffyversed is a week by week, episode by episode, re-exploration of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Look for it every Friday on Goomba Stomp. 

Okay, yikes. Can we just step out of the writer’s bubble for a minute and be honest with each other? I hope we can, because “Bad Eggs” is downright terrible in just about every conceivable way.

This might seem like some real idle chit-chat stuff but hear me out. This is a real problem of this era of television, meaning the one we’re currently in, in that this sort of thing isn’t really common for our best shows anymore. “This” being the fact that a truly great show has some real bad episodes. Now, as far as problems go, I don’t think anyone’s complaining that there’s never been a downright bad episode of Game of ThronesThe Leftovers or Breaking Bad. However, where this near-platinum age of television we’re in becomes troubling lies in how wildly it out-classes genre TV of previous eras.

Anyway, all of this to say that modern TV watchers have no idea how good they have it until they can watch bad episodes of a good show and still love it. It’s sort of like a relationship: you have to let the good pay for the bad sometimes. And when it comes to classic television like Twin PeaksThe X-Files, and, of course, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, there are still certain allowances that must be made… allowances that a modern audience (that your significant other, or mine, may or may not be a part of, because let’s not throw stones or make assumptions here) may not necessarily understand, or be prepared for.

This picture is a real good analogy for how this episode feels as it slowly penetrates your brain.

So what am I really doing with this epically long preamble? Could it be that I’m just looking for an excuse to not talk about what is easily the worst Buffy episode yet? Well, on a psychological level, that may be exactly what’s happening here because good lord, what a disaster this episode is.

When I saw that this one was coming up in the ol’ Netflix queue, I can’t say I was looking forward to it. Yes, we’ve got our standard Buffy allegory in the idea of a parasite hatching from an egg and taking over your life (read: children) but the execution is so god-awful that you’d really need a textbook to even get to that point over all of the silly nonsense that’s in your way.

Outside of the main plot, the side stuff isn’t much better unfortunately. We’ve got a whole lot of kissing, and people talking, then more kissing, then people talking. There’s not one but two of these sub-plots in “Bad Eggs”, presumably to hammer home the whole metaphor of teen pregnancy, but man, is it annoying and unwarranted. However, if you really like teen kissing sub-plots (dialing 9-1-1), this is absolutely the episode for you.

So what else is going on this week? Well, I hope you’ve set your crap detectors to stun, because we’ve also got cowboy vampires for some reason. Look, by all standard measuring interfaces this is something I should dig, since the Gorch brothers are a direct reference to one of my favorites westerns, but man, this shit is real damn stupid.

“Yes! It’s cowboy vampires!” You can add that to the list of sentences never uttered by any human being ever.

Who thought this was a good idea? Who? What’s next, samurai vampires? Ninja vampires? No, because after this god damn bullshit, the writer’s room presumably watched “Bad Eggs” and saw how outrageously goofy it is to see a man wearing facial prosthetics, equipped with fake fangs, and wearing a god damn cowboy hat.

Okay, okay, you want the plot? Buffy and friends get that stupid “take care of an egg” assignment we all got in high school (if you’re of a certain age, that is), only their eggs are filled with evil demon parasites that turn their hosts into servants of a giant tentacle monster underneath the school and, no, I’m sorry, you’re wrong, it’s actually much dumber than it sounds.

Anyway, since nothing of consequence happens here, can we please move onto the post article stuff? Thanks, I appreciate it.

If I accept my parasite overlords willingly, will they erase this episode from my memory?

Cristina Says:

“Cristina Says,” is based on observations my fiancèe makes. This is my 4th time through the series, but Cristina is a first-time watcher with modern TV sensibilities. 

“Yeah right!” (I can’t blame her, this is the kind of incredulous reaction anyone would have to a demonic parasite tentacle emerging from a standard chicken egg to grope a teenage girl. Unfortunately, if you think this is an isolated incident, you’ve obviously never heard of tentacle porn. Wait, forget I said anything, your life will be better for it.)

Gooooooooooood! (That’s “god”, by the way, not “good”. This is in response to the god damn ridiculous Gorch brothers, who are fucking cowboy vampires for some reason.)

“That’s why you’re 16! (In response to Buffy’s short-sighted vision when it comes to the future. I guess 200 years really do make a difference, eh Angel?)

“Stupid?” (When I was trying to think of what this episode was, an allegory, Cristina offered this as a solution to the word I was looking for. She’s not wrong.)

“Hey, that’s you! Like when you fall down the stairs!” (Whoever Cristina is comparing Xander to, I’d hate to share a set of chromosomes with that trash-laden specimen of humanity.)

The black gunk is the episode residue. If you can get to a shower quick enough, you might be able to get it off.

Notable Whedonisms:

Whedonisms are a sort of term for (Buffy creator) Joss Whedon’s style of dialogue, and something we’re using as a catch-all for particularly fun or witty lines.

“As far as punishments go, this is very abstract.” (Buffy wonders why her friends have handed her an egg for being absent from class.)

“What, did your egg keep you up?” (Joyce is curious why a teenager, doing a motherhood exercise, has trouble getting sleep, exactly.)

“Okay soliloquy girl, I just wanted to ask about your egg.” (Buffy is a bit put off after Cordy volunteers a pile of optional information about her teddy bear backpack.)

“Capiche? What are you a world traveler now?” (Cordy and Xander are real passive-aggressive this week.)

“Uhh… a habit of mine… having nothing to do with Buffy, of course.” (Giles is super nonchalant when Joyce asks about his peculiar choice in reading material.)

(Featured image credit: Basement Rejects)

Look guys (and gals), I know this was bad, but trust me when I say there’s gonna be an upswing next week. What kind of upswing, you ask? Well, I’m sorry to say, I’ve gotta keep that information a bit close to the vest… it’s a “Surprise”, you see. 

Mike Worby is a human who spends way too much of his free time playing, writing and podcasting about pop culture. Through some miracle he's still able to function in society as if he were a regular person, and if there's hope for him, there's hope for everyone. He's the managing Games editor for Goomba Stomp, and the creator of the weekly Buffyversed column.